Energy and the Lack of It

As you might have noticed, I haven’t been blogging. For the last few weeks I have been putting my energies exactly where they are needed, which is into sorting my husband out. While he was being Brian, his angry, depressed, illness-centred alter-ego, spending more time with him and giving up six to eight hours a day to childcare and housework wasn’t in the slightest bit appealing. But we finally reached the bottom and both had something to kick against. We are on our way up, and I have every hope that we will be surfacing in a matter of only months. Not from depression and marital strife – that has happened already – but from ME.

For the first time in two years, I genuinely believe he is going to recover now, and that we will be able – at last – to fully live the life we deserve. Enjoy a healthy, happy, life together.

When we first visualised his recovery, some time ago now, I pictured (as positive thinking demands) the image of us that would signify his recovery. I said going on holiday and being able to do the amount of walking and sightseeing and doing that we both want to. Venice (our honeymoon) was ruined by the ME. It was the first time realisation really dawned. He had been ill for six months but both of us were in denial. Neither of us wanted it to be ME. So it wasn’t. We didn’t want to talk about. But just a short walk out to get breakfast and see one sight would exhaust him. We’d go back to the apartment (a beautiful apartment not far from the fish market and The Rialto Bridge) for lunch and he’d go to bed for the rest of the afternoon. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I came back from my honeymoon an expert level electronic solo backgammon player. I think that was probably the time I started getting (ever so gently, and deniably) depressed.

ME is all about energy. Lack of it. And with all I’ve read about this illness, all I have thought about it over the last three and half years – coming at it from many angles, both physical and psychological, has benefited from what I already know about human biology (which I have to degree level), and my interest in energy fields and energy moving, and my yearning to understand, and to able to allow something you might call “spirituality” despite my scientist side.

In ME, something is wrong with energy-generating capacity of the body. At the cellular level, research has shown that the mitochondria (the energy-producing organelles) of people with ME don’t function normally. Under stress (such as the exertion of exercise) they fail and even die.

Energy medicine is where all my research seems to come together.

This post was written six days ago, when my husband was very ill, meaning I didn't have the time to finish it.