This Demon Doesn't Want to be Exorcised...

I am down here in my basement office, and Brian - yes, Brian, my darling husband's violent alter-ego - is upstairs polishing off a bottle of whiskey. He is very, very angry (at the throwing things stage) so I have left him to it. At the end of the last post I said I thought things would be alright so long as he kept tapping. He stopped tapping just after I wrote that post.

Had this been a few months ago, after all the verbal assaults that have just come my way, I would have been down here crying. As it is, I am typing very calmly. Why? Because EFT works.

Why, then, has my lovely husband disappeared and Brian returned? Because EFT works, and Brian is very, very angry about that. Angry, so he shouts at me tonight, that he has been looking for some kind of spiritual answer all his life and I have found it. He can't accept that I should be the one to find something that works. He likes to find answers for himself.

What could I do, though? He wasn't looking for a way out. He was accepting his illness and the massive impact it had on all our lives (there are six of us in this house). He wasn't trawling the internet for anything that might help (as I did almost daily for three years). Even if he had been looking, brain-fog prevented him from reading. And even if he had been able to read, he hates "other people's answers". He has always despised self-help books and those who read them. He hates "being told what to do." Hates school and anything that looks like school. He doesn't believe in learning from other people. He doesn't believe in "easy answers" so how can he accept this one, even when he has proof that it works? That it worked for him (as far as he was willing to tap, which isn't far) and is working daily (and profoundly) for me. The more he can see that it works, the more he has drawn away from it.

He stopped tapping because he said he needed to understand better how it worked, and until he understood how it worked, he didn't want to tap. He hasn't made any attempt to get any further with finding out how it works (and the understanding is out there, if you want to learn) but he now says he is "suspicious" about EFT. For a while just me tapping on myself, and surrogate tapping on him, was helping him get better. He kept saying he would start tapping again when he had finished reading the manual. He would watch the EFT DVDs when he had finished reading the manual. But he would rather watch lots and lots of Top Gear videos than read the manual. He made it an extremely low priority, and is no further on in the manual (which took me two hours to read) than he was a month ago.

Not surprisingly, therefore, and with a sense of depressing inevitability, I have watched him slowly become overwhelmed, again, by the negative emotions that have been trapped inside his body ever since he was 11 years old. I've watched his face grow slowly more fearful and less friendly, more tired and locked up, putting up his defences against me so that even warmth and friendship can't penetrate. An increasingly number of miscommunications were occurring, and I could sense he was projecting stuff on me from his past, and reading me wrongly. Seeing me as the enemy. I handled all this much better than usual (thanks to EFT) but that seems to have made him even angrier.

Again, as before, he's started telling me (both explicitly and by his behaviour) what a shit person I am. Yesterday, he thundered down the stairs in a rage, accusing me of "breaking promises" to our daughter, because I had put a few dishes into the dishwasher before coming upstairs with her warm milk (but I was making the milk even as he thundered downstairs). And this was at the end of a day spent together with our daughter in the countryside; a good day, and I spent the last hour playing piano with her on her mini-keyboard, Mary Had A Little Lamb over and over again, singing loudly. We were having fun. He pretended to be having fun right up until the last moment when it turned out he was at the end of his tether.

EFT works, but only if you do it. I've been doing it every day, and it's been extraordinary. A week ago, for example, I was out for the evening (we were supposed to be out together but he cried off at the last minute) and halfway through the night my nose started running, my eyes watering, and I had the repeated urge to sneeze, and I could feel something "coming on" - that horrible lurgi that one of my friends (who I insisted on hugging even when she was ill) kept assuring me I would get. I went to the loos to get a whole load of loo-paper for the running nose, and did two rounds of tapping while I was there. Within 15 minutes, all the symptoms disappeared. I had directed my immune system to spring into action and - bless it - I guess it did. The next afternoon, symptoms returned briefly but I tapped them away again and haven't had a problem since. Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, a cure for the common cold.

No wonder my husband hates me. From his perspective, I'm starting to look like a witch.

I did realise about three weeks ago that me doing EFT (while he steadfastly avoided starting it) was putting distance between us. I am really sorting out some serious stuff, getting a real sense of control over my life and that emotional freedom the name of the technique promises. It has been so immensely helpful in getting me through the difficulties of every day that I made the decision that I could not abandon my use of EFT, even if it increases our distance. He will (until he decides to take steps to do otherwise) continue to go through these cycles of depression, rage and self-destruction whether I'm able to handle it or not. I choose to handle it, and EFT works where crying and despairing never did.

I really wanted him to come with me on this; I asked him to. I wanted us to do it together; doing EFT together brings you closer. He refused. So I was obliged to make this journey alone when I'd have much, much rather had his company. Had he come with me, we wouldn't be having these problems now.

So my husband isn't languishing with ME any more, but he's about a million miles from okay. I'm not happy about that, obviously. I would like the other husband back, please, the one who loves and appreciates me and who can see me as I really am, the one who isn't blinded by his rage and jealousy and sense of injustice. But I can't make the man tap. The solution's right there if he wants it, but he doesn't want it, because he's afraid it'll take away his anger and he feels his anger - at me - is justified. (He thinks everything in his past is "dealt with".)

He's wrong of course. This anger should have been levelled at others. At the boys who bullied him and chased him and beat him up and called him "paki", at the parents who didn't notice their son was too afraid to leave the house for five years, the mother who smothered him with her anxiety and fears for his safety (don't climb on that wall, don't go near water, don't do anything adventurous in case you get hurt) at the same time as calling him "scruffy" and "lazy", the father who he knew as "the man dozing in the chair on Sunday afternoons" and who, these days, bulldozers his son with his incessant one-sided conversation, and God knows how many other people that have pissed him off or let him down or abused his good nature in the last forty years.

Unfortunately, he is not in a position to see any of that. Unfortunately, all the anger that should be associated with the people from his past is now associated (in his mind) with me.

There's nothing I can do, then, but look after myself, keep tapping for my own emotional and physical health, and hope this crisis will bring him to some kind of awakening.